Me calling Myself.

Has it ever happened to you? Like some voice coming from inside, someone trying to talk to you and giving you soft signals that what you are doing is not right. As the clock ticks that voice you know, is echoing “change or it will be very difficult not for anyone but only for us’’.

My therapist says it’s a kind of symbiote (Venom, 2018) that is trying not only to impart sentience but to kindle the bad memories. It’s happening for quite a long time now and this symbiote is an enlightened one I must say… couple of days ago I was reliving my past and suddenly this happened:

Myself: Don’t try to dig the dead.

Me: You would…. if you knew what it meant.

Myself: Forget about what you lost, what is gone, the dead should stay dead and past be past.

Me: What about the ghosts?

Myself: Are you alone?

Me: I am lonely.

Myself: Close your eyes if you don’t want to see the reality.

Me: What about the memories?

Myself: As they say, sleep through the apocalypse.

Me: I am broken.

Myself: If you are broken it doesn’t mean you stay broken. Be a mechanic, gather those small pieces and build a new one, a stronger one. Don’t be a spartan.

Me: Are you asking me to be calm in crisis?

Myself: That is how you achieve nirvana.

Me: There is no such thing, it’s a dual world good-bad, pleasure-pain, love-loathe.

Myself: You are not alone in this affliction, let it go.

Me: How?

Myself: Like the winds blow, same as first beat in the tempo and what bow does to an arrow.

Me: How can I do it? She was my mountain, my deepest sea.

Myself: She was your Azkaban.

Me: She was rainbow to my black & white.

Myself: Stop walking miles for those who wouldn’t take a step for you.

Me: I loved without inhibitions, loved with abandon.

Myself: To love her on that scale was dangerous from the second it started.

Me: It was better than thousand faces.

Myself: Wrong person, right attention.

Me: Her prophecies of our love & alluring future surmised me, that it certainly will come true.

Myself: Love, has a tendency of not living up to expectations.

Me: Never love and you can never be a prisoner to destiny.

Myself: Listen to your inner voice.

Me: You are my inner voice.

Myself: Then don’t pursue her and that dream. You will suffer.

Me: What is life without suffering?

Myself: Suffer for a cause that makes you strong & wise not weak & foolish. I hope you live a life where you don’t have any remorse.

Me: It won’t happen.

Myself: Then I hope you have the strength to start again.

Me: Little love and lot of heartbreak again?

Myself: Are you afraid to get back up again, to try again, to dream again. Don’t let your grief define you. You are stronger I see. Save yourself, because no one can/ else will. That’s the world.

Me: They say give a little love and it all comes back to you, two-fold.

Myself: Right, but some are born only to give.

Me: I couldn’t care less than about my chronicle of disappointment and loneliness.

Myself: Don’t overthink, trust the flow. Things will change every year, every day, every minute & second. Don’t suicide and don’t kill me.

Me: It’s a hard choice.

Myself: You are a strong-willed person.

Me: Tell me, how do I love again?

Myself: Standing on the beach and asking where the ocean is? Start with me. 

My love was gone
Making me the object of scorn,
Where…? I couldn’t tell
I looked both, heaven & hell.

Love… I still have ours, the prose as purple today as it was then.
Heartbeats ebbing, lurching again,
Yours’ forever, write it on my tombstone.
My august love, whereabouts unknown. 

~Gaurav Dey


Head over Love

Sometimes things happen.. that makes you look at them under different light, things that you’ve always taken for granted or let’s say never happened to you.

It was a bright day, she was leaning by the window which had a view of hills top with a nice lake in front of it. It was a mirage, an imagination, a myth that could never come true – not because I presume in happy beginnings, but because of my apprehensions of it. In a New York minute I dropped my luggage and then there was this problem with my eyes, they were locked, I was not able to take them off. As if everything stopped, that shout of the conductor, passengers howling, vehicles honking etc.. were all like extinguishing a forest fire with an eyedropper. I have heard people saying:

“If you love something, you know what the best in the world actually looks like.”

And then there was I, looking at her, no no.. actually gazing at her. A genuine affection for a simple, sober, ordinary girl. Bellissimo, the pact of intimacy was written on her face, she held me captured with her embrace. You must have heard about the sky full of stars or a green oasis, oh boy.. she made me witness it in the city bus. I decided no matter what.. I’m gonna give you my heart. I knew that I was head over heels for her.

Then before anything I could do or say the laws of physics played their role.. you just can’t keep science out of anything these days. The law of inertia came into play ‘an unbalanced force’ pushed me and pushed me hard.. and eventually I fell but this time gravity was not held responsible for the fall, well in terms of physics, chemistry and mathematics it was an important phenomenon that happened. But was it a haste, crush or just a short lived emotion that just exploded within me? Absolutely not!!

How I came to that conclusion? Because that short lived emotion ‘infatuation’ as the unethical, uneducated people name it. was transformed from a feeble spark to a flickering flame and then into a mighty blaze*. Every time I thought about her, I got lured into something.. I couldn’t dodge.

Yes, I admit I had my first love!!

It was like a kitchen light at midnight, day and night it was the same thing. I reckoned something within me that made me feel ecstatic, something deeper than I’ve ever known. So, when we talk about infinity there’s no measure for that same is with love also, you can’t measure it, every second it expands, just like the universe. For me she became the universal law, which gave soul to the world, flock to imagination, and glamour to everything around me.

But there were unspoken conversations, unuttered words, and I guess when you meet someone ‘the right person’ it clicks to both of you and things are made to work and definitely the nature helps you in that. So we met, we talked, I used that time to learn everything I could about her and tell about myself… It was rate determining step the slowest of a chemical reaction yet exciting because every time I put my phone down I wanted to know more. We were talking like every day disclosing more and more of ourselves to each other.

I was playing cool, I didn’t rush, I let it grew. And it did.. that led us to have deeper talks about our past, about our future of being together, about love, happiness, what life is ? what it would be if we were together ? There was this time where I didn’t had words maybe because I wanted them to be perfect, or maybe I was nervous that nothing came out of my mouth. The day I saw her, after that every second has been a wonderful chapter in history.

I have had a reason now to celebrate for all four seasons. The more I discover the more I fall in love with her.

Free.. as a bird, as a spirit, as a soul,
The feeling so sturdy, I can’t control
At times serene at times searching, as love I explore,
I adore her today, I adore her tomorrow,
Don’t rush let it grow,
The hearts mysteries elude all,
Love made me fall where gravity was not at all
It’s coming to spring, yet to fly.. my quirky love life.