Me calling Myself.

Has it ever happened to you? Like some voice coming from inside, someone trying to talk to you and giving you soft signals that what you are doing is not right. As the clock ticks that voice you know, is echoing “change or it will be very difficult not for anyone but only for us’’.

My therapist says it’s a kind of symbiote (Venom, 2018) that is trying not only to impart sentience but to kindle the bad memories. It’s happening for quite a long time now and this symbiote is an enlightened one I must say… couple of days ago I was reliving my past and suddenly this happened:

Myself: Don’t try to dig the dead.

Me: You would…. if you knew what it meant.

Myself: Forget about what you lost, what is gone, the dead should stay dead and past be past.

Me: What about the ghosts?

Myself: Are you alone?

Me: I am lonely.

Myself: Close your eyes if you don’t want to see the reality.

Me: What about the memories?

Myself: As they say, sleep through the apocalypse.

Me: I am broken.

Myself: If you are broken it doesn’t mean you stay broken. Be a mechanic, gather those small pieces and build a new one, a stronger one. Don’t be a spartan.

Me: Are you asking me to be calm in crisis?

Myself: That is how you achieve nirvana.

Me: There is no such thing, it’s a dual world good-bad, pleasure-pain, love-loathe.

Myself: You are not alone in this affliction, let it go.

Me: How?

Myself: Like the winds blow, same as first beat in the tempo and what bow does to an arrow.

Me: How can I do it? She was my mountain, my deepest sea.

Myself: She was your Azkaban.

Me: She was rainbow to my black & white.

Myself: Stop walking miles for those who wouldn’t take a step for you.

Me: I loved without inhibitions, loved with abandon.

Myself: To love her on that scale was dangerous from the second it started.

Me: It was better than thousand faces.

Myself: Wrong person, right attention.

Me: Her prophecies of our love & alluring future surmised me, that it certainly will come true.

Myself: Love, has a tendency of not living up to expectations.

Me: Never love and you can never be a prisoner to destiny.

Myself: Listen to your inner voice.

Me: You are my inner voice.

Myself: Then don’t pursue her and that dream. You will suffer.

Me: What is life without suffering?

Myself: Suffer for a cause that makes you strong & wise not weak & foolish. I hope you live a life where you don’t have any remorse.

Me: It won’t happen.

Myself: Then I hope you have the strength to start again.

Me: Little love and lot of heartbreak again?

Myself: Are you afraid to get back up again, to try again, to dream again. Don’t let your grief define you. You are stronger I see. Save yourself, because no one can/ else will. That’s the world.

Me: They say give a little love and it all comes back to you, two-fold.

Myself: Right, but some are born only to give.

Me: I couldn’t care less than about my chronicle of disappointment and loneliness.

Myself: Don’t overthink, trust the flow. Things will change every year, every day, every minute & second. Don’t suicide and don’t kill me.

Me: It’s a hard choice.

Myself: You are a strong-willed person.

Me: Tell me, how do I love again?

Myself: Standing on the beach and asking where the ocean is? Start with me. 

My love was gone
Making me the object of scorn,
Where…? I couldn’t tell
I looked both, heaven & hell.

Love… I still have ours, the prose as purple today as it was then.
Heartbeats ebbing, lurching again,
Yours’ forever, write it on my tombstone.
My august love, whereabouts unknown. 

~Gaurav Dey


Salao Heart.

Are you in this world for me? Why I am thinking like that? Although I am missing you still I am living with that.

But life isn’t the same, I am empty inside but trying to face the pain. There are so many things to be shared but time isn’t on our side that’s what I feel. You are not here, went away so suddenly and fast.

Don’t know how this thought came. Why this is happening? Tell me how this happened? Trust all happiness is linked to you if you are not near there’s nothing…. don’t go away. My eyes look for you, my ears want to hear you, my arms want to feel you.. how can I live without you? If possible tell me why this is happening… you are attached to me like heart to a body.

I trust you more than I do anyone else.. I miss you more than anyone else.. believe me. I laugh when you laugh, I talk when you talk, I forget all my sorrows when I see you, please come back. Way back in school I was taught “vacuum” and now I am feeling it.

Enlightened people say..”let go”. But trust me on this’s really difficult. How can we do that when that thing is the most precious to us. And for how long, how many times? All these questions are crippling me and eating from within.

The day we met.. you made me yours and taught me to laugh, like someone came into a dark room with a candlestick.I haven’t seen love, never known love only heard stories. Those dreams that never came to me when I slept, you made me see in the daylight. Life was colorful, it was beautiful as someone was distributing stars and I opened my arms and collected them all.

My heart burnt, tears came out don’t know what people started calling me but I laughed while I cried because you came into my dreams and laughed. When you went away happiness went away, fire was there but no light. I tried.. I tried to console my heart but.. it didn’t… tried many things but didn’t work out.

My last words, drowning breath, dimming sight will all look for you… come once. Nobody can bear this pain for so long. I can’t forget you even on trying, without you I fumble, that lonely voyage where I can’t see the land, no signs of life. My cockboat needs a sailing mate, a friend, a companion to sail across the seven seas.

I am travelling from so long..i need water, shade give me your hand and make this journey easier. Take me out from the depths of my despair. Give solace to my vagrant feet and soul. With your presence every season seems more wonderful, every mountain looks like a piece of stone, journey of miles are covered in no time.

I know.. and also my heart that we have to go away from this world, but we can share some moments together and make it indelible. It would be so euphoric. My heart runs bare footed and sings, that the person will come, for whom you have been waiting for so long.  Come and be my eye of desire, pilot of my soul.

I have dreams, destination, places to go, but the past memories which I can’t forget. I am helpless that I can’t go back and the pain of this separation is holding me back. Speak up.. as my heart is broken, don’t forget me… that’s what I want to say. This heart is fixated, it’s just a picture. I tell him… break this illusion, it says that it’s a shackle. There is no weak link and I don’t have any control over it.

Walking alone makes you think and the thought that comes to me is that for everything there’s time. Friendship, love, care etc. That was not my time that doesn’t mean that the friendship, love, care was not mine. I have done some mistakes some small and some big and I accept them. Help me to learn from them and conquer my weaknesses.

As I have said “enlightened people say” they also say that… “things happen, eventually”. I somewhat believe in this. I don’t know what made me write this post? It’s hard to say… anguish, solitude, misery !! Don’t know. I am tired, enjoying the serenity and peace of being alone.

It goes without saying that this post -it’s a philosophy, coined so incredibly like that all good people, I came close, therefore I am alive. That’s the beauty of this journey up the spectrum of the rainbow.

It’s been a long day without you my friend, and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. [Charlie and Wiz, 2015].

I am finishing it now, so that it can be started later.

No heart is odious,
No heart is implicitly comfortless,
But some heart, though unknown,
Responds to my own.

~Gaurav Dey