Has it ever happened to you? Like some voice coming from inside, someone trying to talk to you and giving you soft signals that what you are doing is not right. As the clock ticks that voice you know, is echoing “change or it will be very difficult not for anyone but only for us’’.
My therapist says it’s a kind of symbiote (Venom, 2018) that is trying not only to impart sentience but to kindle the bad memories. It’s happening for quite a long time now and this symbiote is an enlightened one I must say… couple of days ago I was reliving my past and suddenly this happened:
Myself: Don’t try to dig the dead.
Me: You would…. if you knew what it meant.
Myself: Forget about what you lost, what is gone, the dead should stay dead and past be past.
Me: What about the ghosts?
Myself: Are you alone?
Me: I am lonely.
Myself: Close your eyes if you don’t want to see the reality.
Me: What about the memories?
Myself: As they say, sleep through the apocalypse.
Me: I am broken.
Myself: If you are broken it doesn’t mean you stay broken. Be a mechanic, gather those small pieces and build a new one, a stronger one. Don’t be a spartan.
Me: Are you asking me to be calm in crisis?
Myself: That is how you achieve nirvana.
Me: There is no such thing, it’s a dual world good-bad, pleasure-pain, love-loathe.
Myself: You are not alone in this affliction, let it go.
Me: How?
Myself: Like the winds blow, same as first beat in the tempo and what bow does to an arrow.
Me: How can I do it? She was my mountain, my deepest sea.
Myself: She was your Azkaban.
Me: She was rainbow to my black & white.
Myself: Stop walking miles for those who wouldn’t take a step for you.
Me: I loved without inhibitions, loved with abandon.
Myself: To love her on that scale was dangerous from the second it started.
Me: It was better than thousand faces.
Myself: Wrong person, right attention.
Me: Her prophecies of our love & alluring future surmised me, that it certainly will come true.
Myself: Love, has a tendency of not living up to expectations.
Me: Never love and you can never be a prisoner to destiny.
Myself: Listen to your inner voice.
Me: You are my inner voice.
Myself: Then don’t pursue her and that dream. You will suffer.
Me: What is life without suffering?
Myself: Suffer for a cause that makes you strong & wise not weak & foolish. I hope you live a life where you don’t have any remorse.
Me: It won’t happen.
Myself: Then I hope you have the strength to start again.
Me: Little love and lot of heartbreak again?
Myself: Are you afraid to get back up again, to try again, to dream again. Don’t let your grief define you. You are stronger I see. Save yourself, because no one can/ else will. That’s the world.
Me: They say give a little love and it all comes back to you, two-fold.
Myself: Right, but some are born only to give.
Me: I couldn’t care less than about my chronicle of disappointment and loneliness.
Myself: Don’t overthink, trust the flow. Things will change every year, every day, every minute & second. Don’t suicide and don’t kill me.
Me: It’s a hard choice.
Myself: You are a strong-willed person.
Me: Tell me, how do I love again?
Myself: Standing on the beach and asking where the ocean is? Start with me.
My love was gone
Making me the object of scorn,
Where…? I couldn’t tell
I looked both, heaven & hell.
Love… I still have ours, the prose as purple today as it was then.
Heartbeats ebbing, lurching again,
Yours’ forever, write it on my tombstone.
My august love, whereabouts unknown.
~Gaurav Dey
Gaurav Dey 